I’d like to sit here and say that my 10 hours of not smoking was a complete failure. I won’t. Was it a failure? Yes of course, but certainly not a “complete” failure. We all can’t write and direct “Star Wars” right out of the gate. This was my “Gigli”. (Sorry Martin Brest.)

When one decides to go on a new adventure, it’s a good idea to get to know the obstacles one might face. Think about it as going into space. A lot of research has to be done, tests have to be done, and a lot of test runs have to be made. This first attempt at quitting was a test run. A torturous test run.

So what have I learned about this first run? Let’s break it down.

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My older brother called me out of the blue last night. We haven’t always been close, but I think we both try hard to build a bridge over troubled waters, so it’s nice to hear from him. Unfortunately for us both, bad habits die hard and so do deep routed family issues. So what was supposed to be a quick ‘hey what’s up’ turned into a two hour marathon bro VS bro brawl. As much as it is emotionally draining, he IS my older brother and I DO respect his opinions, even though I don’t always agree with him… and he DOES make me think. Ugh.

My brother doesn’t look through rose colored glasses, rather a prism of his own creation. The problem is, I think a lot of people may see me through that prism. Which begs the question… Am I who I see in the mirror, or what other people see in me?

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I don’t get sick very often but when I do it hits me like Superman hitting an asteroid out of an Earth trajectory. And last week I got SICK. I could tell it was coming over me on Thursday and by Friday I was full-on-hard-core-f-ing-sick. The weekend was miserable and on Monday I hit the urgent care center.

The doctor came in and looked at my throat for about 1.2 seconds, pulled back suddenly and said “Wow! You are sick!”

“No shit” I said.
“No… you are REALL Y REALLY SICK!” he said.

After going through this exchange a couple more times, he prescribed me Amoxicillian. I rolled my eyes. Amoxicillian? Like I need a doctor for this kind of genius prescribing skills.

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Minority groups really piss me off. That’s probably because I was born a privileged white man and I have gotten everything in my life for free. Hell, everyone knows that. White people have it made and have never had to struggle. Just talk to my Ukrainian relatives who came over to America on a boat. They will tell you how easy they had it.

But back to these minorities. Always whining that they are not represented enough in movies, television and music. Old women say that there are not any roles for them in Hollywood, latin people are only cast as thugs, and let’s not forget Halle Berry! The most gorgeous woman in the world has had such a hard struggle, being african-american with a white mother has been a nightmare!

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In the first quarter of the BCS championship game, ESPN showed Alabama quarterback McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb, who was sitting near his parents. Musburger called the 23-year-old Webb, a “lovely lady” and “beautiful,” and said to his broadcast partner, Kirk Herbstreit, a former quarterback at Ohio State, “You quarterbacks get all the good-looking women.”

“A J’s doing some things right,” Herbstreit replied. Musburger, 73, then said, “If you’re a youngster in Alabama, start getting the football out and throw it around the backyard with Pop.”

Was it creepy that a 73 year old Brent Musburger was foaming at the mouth over the obviously very attractive Katherine Webb? Oh hell yes. Even though we could not see Musburger’s face during his comments, one could imagine his tongue handing out and him having to take out his old man handkerchief and wiping the drool off his chin. But it was only creepy to women. Men talk like this everyday, but just to other men.

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I was talking to a girl friend of mine and she still can’t believe that I have not seen “The Notebook”, the quintessential chick-flick that causes spontaneous outbursts of crying amongst women. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above a good cry, but only if it’s a good cry over a GOOD thing, not a good cry over a BAD thing. In “The Notebook” the main character has Alzheimer’s and is going to die and never remember her true love. Sorry. Should have said “spoiler alert”, but let’s face it, if you haven’t seen “The Notebook” yet, you probably will never watch it. Unless you are a dude and you watch it with a woman just to get laid.

But seriously… if someone told you a movie was about a love story being told by an old guy to an old woman, and the old woman turned out to be the woman in the story, but she’s never remember it because she has Alzheimer’s… would you want to watch it? Of course not. That’s TERRIBLE! Why not make it a double feature and watch a movie about puppies being tortured.

The last time I had a rely good cry over not a BAD thing was the movie “Marly & Me.” You know, the one with the adorable yellow dog. Or golden. Whatever. The dog… spoiler alert… dies in the end. It was HORRIBLE. I mean sure, the dog lived a long life, but that doesn’t mean you don’t cry. Your grandma lived a long life, but I bet you cried at her funeral. If you didn’t then I suggest you see a therapist ASAP.

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Banning assault rifles is a good start, but using that same logic, we must also ban handguns as well. Let me explain…

The reason why we have the 2nd amendment is so the civilian population can protect themselves from their own government. The only way this works is if civilians have access to the same firepower as the government.

If the government has muskets, then the civilians must have muskets.

Of course today, the government has trained Marines, naval ships, the army, the Air Force, fighter jets, apache helicopters, assault rifles, RPGs, tanks and lets not forget nukes. Exactly what will any amount of “guns” do against that? The argument is beyond ludicrous.

Of course if you think Obama is the antichrist, then you are probably really upset that you can’t buy a personal drone and probably have an arsenal amassed that would rival any looney out there.

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